Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

This will never not be funny 😭

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.