It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Oh thanks BBC.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.