Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”