It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Not with that attitude
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.