It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams