It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.