It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Fight
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?