Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

titanic

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Mornin. * use accordingly

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.