Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.