Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

🙄

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

rip to my favourite tweet

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.