It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.