It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
