It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”