Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.