It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
liiiiiiiiike
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?