Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die