It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Am I having a stroke?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know