Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy