It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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└📁 Traps
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└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Sharon, call the vet
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Choose your fighter
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone