Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Tuesday

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

lol

💀💀

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.