Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.