It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
You Might Also Like
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here