It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it