Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

The absolute effort that went into this omg

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.