it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!