Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.