Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon