It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.