It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“That’s what” – She
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*