It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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The answer is funnier than the question
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”