It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring