Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Good morning ☺️

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.