It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
You Might Also Like
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Thursday Thought.