It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
*pronounces patio like ratio
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Ah yes. The three genders
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England