It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed