It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“i am a sweet baby”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive