it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You Might Also Like
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.