It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?