It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol