It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.