Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Me when my alarm goes off

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.