Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no