It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Safety first
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.