it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I am also baked goods
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them