It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
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Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
no!! no!!!!!!
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is