Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure