It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You Might Also Like
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
my fav colour is also hitler
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.