It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Good advice.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂