It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
What a year we’ve had this week.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.