Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.