It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′