Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

my proudest tweet

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”