Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

🤣🤣

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

😭😭😭

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.