It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
lmfao come on
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.