It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Camel dough
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
No flush
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you