It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”