It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself