It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand