Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.