@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

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@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

@Dawn_M_

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

@Megatronic13

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

@duplicitron

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

@MiddleageM

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

@missmayn

We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

@Vodkantots

I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.