It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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This bar smells like my childhood.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.