It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Old old old old old west
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.