Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Oh we’ve met.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.