Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

and this one

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.