It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
