Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.