It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.