It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?