It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.