It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Optional boss fight.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.