It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.