Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos