Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

This will never not be funny 😭

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”