It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?