It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.