It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer