It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You Might Also Like
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
every single time
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”