It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates