Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Practicing safe sax

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day